"Shiver Me Timbers!" (And other dealbreakers in pirate romance novels!)

A friend’s recent blog post reminded me of my unending love for pirate novels—it’s a fierce, loyal love when I find a good one. It’s a bitter, nasty breakup if it’s a bad one. And lately, I’ve really had a hard time finding a good one.

I’ve tried to write a pirate romance, and let me tell, you it’s not easy. I got so bogged down with starboard and port and poop decks (how many times can you say that without sniggering?), that I felt like I was researching a historic sailing manual and not writing a sweeping, exciting romance with Caribbean waters and daring swashbucklers.

I gave up.

But I have never given up in my search for the good ones, and in my search, I’ve noticed that I have a number of dealbreaks when it comes to my Pirates.

#1. No Nasties Allowed

No, seriously, I don’t want a dirty, hairy unshaven pirate. I know the reality…and I know historians flip their powdered wigs when authors write pirates who have all their own teeth—but this is my escape and I don’t want to escape with a smelly, gangrene ship captain who smiles like a Jack O’Lantern. I appreciate the attempt at realism, but seriously, no missing teeth. Not even one!

(And speaking of wigs, if my pirate even thinks about donning one to attend a party at the governor’s mansion, I’m closing the book. I don’t care if it was high fashion. He’s a pirate!!!)

#2. Adhere to the rules of geography, please!

I love it when a hero chases a heroine. I do, but when your pirate chases her to the ballrooms of London, you’ve left the “pirate romance novel” waters and now you’re just another historical (which I love, don’t get me wrong!). Period. Thou shall not leave the pristine waters of Barbados. Or Bermuda. Or Tortuga. I really don’t care where your sprawling, secret lair is, just don’t drag me (the reader) back to smelly ol’ London with you to find your lady love. I’ll be mad.

#3. A gale-force hurricane and not a hint of stomach distress?

I know, I know. I’m being picky…but just once, I’d KILL for a land-lubber heroine who can’t just jump on the roiling deck of a sloop, ride out the storm of the century and not get just a little green.

I’m jealous. I rode the damn ferry to Alaska and spent the first two days of the three-day journey in the fetal position in my cabin.

#4. More than one page of technical sailor-speak and I’m going to cannonball off the side

Honestly, it’s such a fine balance between giving me realistic details and putting me to sleep, but you have to try! I think my favorite method is having the crew “speak the language” mid-action—gives me a frame of reference to follow along with AND it makes the writer look super smart and knowledgeable on all things mariner. (Bonus!)

And finally…

#5. Leave Miss Priss on the Docks

My biggest dealbreaker when it comes to my heroines is extreme prudism. Slapping offending crew members, holding the roguish hero at gunpoint to save her virginity…I mean, in the beginning, of course, she needs to be shocked out of her high-class comfort zone. But about the 75th time I hear her say “How dare you!” or “One should never speak to a lady in such a manner!” I want to give up. By the middle of the book, I am so ready for the conflict to move from a mere battle of wills on to the jucier, higher-stakes conflicts that actually make them work together to stay alive.

No more fighting off the gorgeous pirate who has never been in love, but now somehow is over the moon for you simply because a society that exists half a world away would frown...you’re in a romance novel, for crying out loud, loosen up!

I’ll be honest, the current pirate novel I’m reading has me wishing Cap’n Cutie would just toss her over the boat and make sharkbait out of her. Is it terrible when a reader thinks the hero would be better suited with the heroine’s travelling companion? At least that girl likes to dance. And has smiled once in the past 87 pages.

What about you? Any fiction dealbreakers out there?

A Good Find (What I'm Reading)

I wandered by Holiday Grind on one of the more recent trips to the bookstore this week (yes, I go a few times a week...it's a much-needed rest from my office, just across the road). I don't usually buy into Christmas-y novels, but this season, I seem more open for one. (I still haven't grabbed one...can't justify the $24 a hardback costs so close to present buying time. *le sigh*)

So, in a sort of internal converstion/compromise, I took the name of the author (repeating it to myself as I hurried back to Mystery section..."Cleo Coyle, Cleo Coyle, Cleo Coyle...") and grabbed the first book of the series, "On What Grounds."

I'll stop right here and admit that since read my first Miss Marple book years and years ago (Bless you, Saint Agatha!), I love the taste, feel, and smell of cozies. Cozy mysteries are good friends that you visit over and over...they're characters whose lives you get to witness over time--similar to the people in our "real" lives. They grow. We grow...we all grow together.

On the other hand, I feel romances tend to be high energy, breathtaking "encounters" with the characters. We get drawn in, we go up, we go down, we fall in love and we're left a little dizzy and thoroughly entertained at the end of the story. Sure, we loved the ride, but we were left off once the story was over. (I do love when character's make cameos in future books, but its still different.)

So anyway. I've finished "On What Grounds" and I must say, I loved this book. Clare is a great heroine to follow and despite being written in first person POV (I'm not the biggest fan of that), I love the "voice" of the book. I love the characters. I love the fine line between Clare and her ex-husband Matteo. I love Madame (I really do.) I don't love Joy, her 19 year old daughter, yet, but hopefully I will.

Another major character in this book (and one of the main reasons I am thrilled to find this series) is COFFEE. Yes, coffee itself is a main character and even in this first book, I have learned so much about my beloved brew. (Thanks "Cleo Coyle"!)

Speaking of the author, here is "their" web site. Yes, "their." Cleo is actually a wife and husband writing team--very neat. And kudos for being able to work creatively with your spouse...not something me and my controlling nature could easily do.

Today (yes another visit to the bookstore) I picked up a new series to start. I am learning that when I give myself a break between books in a series, I am a much more patient reader and will slow down instead of zooming on through to the end to get to number three or four. When I have no destination, no need to finish as fast as I can, I slow down and enjoy the ride--and to do that, I've found it helps to break up a series a bit. (Especially when I just discover one with 8 books to get through.)

So today's grab was "Ghost at Work" (another cozy!!!) by Caroyln Hart. I don't know much about her or the series, but a sleuth who is also a ghost is mighty intriguing to me. Can't wait!

What I'm Currently Reading...and a pet peeve

I'm on a roll. Of sorts.

I'm fleshing out yet another story line, and I've got Harlequin Presents in my sights. I'm zeroing in on them, and to properly do that, you need research. Research, when it comes to writers, equates to reading and I love, love, love to read. No, seriously. Read the "about me" section if you need more proof.

I picked up author Annie West's "Blackmailed Bride, Inexperienced Wife" yesterday and I'm already mostly through with it. The girl's good, I have to say. Much love to Ms. West, and many happy returns. Dario is a bit of an ass at first, but c'mon, he's smokin' hot and he's Sicilian. And he's out for revenge...he's not exactly going to hold doors open for her or make her breakfast in bed. Yet.

The story, in my opinion, had a great pace to it. Not much to comment on about secondary characters, but with 50k words, you don't have much room to develop strong side kicks or confidantes, and the author did well with what she had. Again, many happy returns to Annie West and I can't wait to read the upcoming titles.

The other book I'm working through is "Believe" by Victoria Alexander. It's a reprint of 1999 novel she wrote...with a jazzier cover. (Yay!). I like this story. I really do. I like our heroine. I like the fantasy element of time travel and Galahad is a hunk, for sure. I was excited about this book the past few weeks...I had it's half page ad from the Romantic Times Book Review taped to my corkboard so I wouldn't forget to buy it on its release date.

But this book brings to mind a tiny pet peeve of mine when reading romance novels. Heroines who try to talk a little too sarcastically EACH TIME THEY SPEAK, or who use little names like "pal" or "bub" or "buddy" after each sentence...it makes my skin crawl. Crawl. Crawl. Crawl.

I immediately dislike the character a tiny bit (which grows bigger and bigger with each usage), and I begin to skim over her end of the dialogue. And it's funny, but the heros in books rarely have that annoying habit. I'm sure it's all part of the building a character with sass and fire, but c'mon. We're not all THAT brilliant and biting and sarcastic each time we open our mouths, and we certainly don't end each sentence with "pal." (Thank God!)

Phew. There. I feel better. Less sarcasm, more character development. That's all I ask. :)