"Shiver Me Timbers!" (And other dealbreakers in pirate romance novels!)

A friend’s recent blog post reminded me of my unending love for pirate novels—it’s a fierce, loyal love when I find a good one. It’s a bitter, nasty breakup if it’s a bad one. And lately, I’ve really had a hard time finding a good one.

I’ve tried to write a pirate romance, and let me tell, you it’s not easy. I got so bogged down with starboard and port and poop decks (how many times can you say that without sniggering?), that I felt like I was researching a historic sailing manual and not writing a sweeping, exciting romance with Caribbean waters and daring swashbucklers.

I gave up.

But I have never given up in my search for the good ones, and in my search, I’ve noticed that I have a number of dealbreaks when it comes to my Pirates.

#1. No Nasties Allowed

No, seriously, I don’t want a dirty, hairy unshaven pirate. I know the reality…and I know historians flip their powdered wigs when authors write pirates who have all their own teeth—but this is my escape and I don’t want to escape with a smelly, gangrene ship captain who smiles like a Jack O’Lantern. I appreciate the attempt at realism, but seriously, no missing teeth. Not even one!

(And speaking of wigs, if my pirate even thinks about donning one to attend a party at the governor’s mansion, I’m closing the book. I don’t care if it was high fashion. He’s a pirate!!!)

#2. Adhere to the rules of geography, please!

I love it when a hero chases a heroine. I do, but when your pirate chases her to the ballrooms of London, you’ve left the “pirate romance novel” waters and now you’re just another historical (which I love, don’t get me wrong!). Period. Thou shall not leave the pristine waters of Barbados. Or Bermuda. Or Tortuga. I really don’t care where your sprawling, secret lair is, just don’t drag me (the reader) back to smelly ol’ London with you to find your lady love. I’ll be mad.

#3. A gale-force hurricane and not a hint of stomach distress?

I know, I know. I’m being picky…but just once, I’d KILL for a land-lubber heroine who can’t just jump on the roiling deck of a sloop, ride out the storm of the century and not get just a little green.

I’m jealous. I rode the damn ferry to Alaska and spent the first two days of the three-day journey in the fetal position in my cabin.

#4. More than one page of technical sailor-speak and I’m going to cannonball off the side

Honestly, it’s such a fine balance between giving me realistic details and putting me to sleep, but you have to try! I think my favorite method is having the crew “speak the language” mid-action—gives me a frame of reference to follow along with AND it makes the writer look super smart and knowledgeable on all things mariner. (Bonus!)

And finally…

#5. Leave Miss Priss on the Docks

My biggest dealbreaker when it comes to my heroines is extreme prudism. Slapping offending crew members, holding the roguish hero at gunpoint to save her virginity…I mean, in the beginning, of course, she needs to be shocked out of her high-class comfort zone. But about the 75th time I hear her say “How dare you!” or “One should never speak to a lady in such a manner!” I want to give up. By the middle of the book, I am so ready for the conflict to move from a mere battle of wills on to the jucier, higher-stakes conflicts that actually make them work together to stay alive.

No more fighting off the gorgeous pirate who has never been in love, but now somehow is over the moon for you simply because a society that exists half a world away would frown...you’re in a romance novel, for crying out loud, loosen up!

I’ll be honest, the current pirate novel I’m reading has me wishing Cap’n Cutie would just toss her over the boat and make sharkbait out of her. Is it terrible when a reader thinks the hero would be better suited with the heroine’s travelling companion? At least that girl likes to dance. And has smiled once in the past 87 pages.

What about you? Any fiction dealbreakers out there?